Tuesday, November 4, 2008

blue states memo to the red states

Since I am virtually positive there are no McCain voting Republicans that read my blog, here is a little laugh to ease the anxiety of this monumental election day for my fellow blog readers:

Memo to the Red States:

If you manage to steal this election, too, we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue
States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California,
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois,
and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the
nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We
get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of
Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war,
and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you
need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're
apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they
don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming
home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up,
but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all
cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans
(thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods,
sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus
Stanford, Cal Tech, UCLA, Berkeley and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88%
of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of
all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the
hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the
University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually
swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing
the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that
evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61%
of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.

This was forwarded to me, and I wish I knew who to give credit to for writing it. See you all in the blogosphere tomorrow!


angstmonkey said...

Very funny!

Rebekah said...

Yeah, but they get New Orleans (down for now, but still one of the most soulful, amazing cities this world has to offer), the Carolina Islands, a LOT of corn fields, swamp lands, the northern end of the Gulf of Mexico, a lot of mountains, lakes, most of the Mississippi river, and a legacy of great storytelling.

Sorry. It's a funny post. I think I've read one-too-many rants from both sides this here election year. Because tomorrow? We are all bickering siblings in one big family again. And I love my red, (dare I say misguided) family, both real and symbolic, very much.

Tomorrow: UNITY, mah brothers!

elliesmadre said...

Hehehe, that was funny. :)

Lee said...

Lol the comment about the good pot versus the bad Mexican pot at the end is what made me laugh.